Susan Komen Race for The Cure

So, yesterday was the kickoff day for the Susan G Komen Three-Day. I went and waved the marchers on at an official "cheering station." I will try to get some pictures of the event's end tomorrow (from Petco park), and then I will make the big announcement.

How I intend to try and make Marcie a permanent (or at least lasting) memorial will be detailed and I will be on my way. I think those of you who do not know my plans will be interested, and those of you who do will get a chance to weigh in on an actual plan. More tomorrow...

One Album Up And New Features

I have posted an album of high-resolution pictures of our Marcie for everyone to see, especially those of you who are far away or who have limited email capacity. I'll try to scan and upload every picture I have of her, dividing them eventually into different albums.

You can also just use the little album widget on the right side to see some pretty photos of my beautiful bride. Click on it to visit my albums and get high-res versions of the pictures.

I know I have been holding out on what my big plans are, and the fact is, the secret may have leaked out. However, I will let everyone know what I am going to do to honor our girl forever in the near future. It's big stuff, and I need to have my plan in place and my lists of things to do created and started.

I have added an email link on the comments form for personal communication. Click to leave a comment, then just use the email link above the comment field.

A Long, Empty Night

It's funny how the things we do to get by sometimes end up bringing us right back around to where we belong, whether we want that or not. Last night, I decided to attend the San Diego Press Club Awards, with the hope that a little camaraderie and noise would be good for me.

It worked for all of 10 minutes. I did talk to a lot of old friends and kept good face, but I had a hard time of it anyways. The first thing was my awards, which you can look up here. I realized, as I put on the little name tag with the place ribbons, that I would be proud of these as I showed them to Marcie, but that was not going to happen in this life.

I did enjoy the food, and I wandered around, reconnecting with old sources and colleagues. I started to leave but ended up speaking to Chula Vista Mayor Cheryl Cox for a bit, which was actually less difficult than sitting in the crowd inside. Thanks for the conversation, Cheryl.

As if to reinforce the idea that the awards had lost one of their most important contexts for me, a song sung in an alternately, artfully soaring and soulfully fading siren's voice played over the radio as I hit Pershing Drive. I should have changed the channel, but, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I pulled over instead and heard it out.

The Story
Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
And baby I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
Oh but these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
Oh yeah and its true, that I was made for you

I'll probably buy the album. She sounds like someone Marcie would like hearing, despite her folk roots (which Marcie was very choosy in accepting from people). Call it a recommendation.

F.

A Hard Day

Today has been one of the toughest "normal" days I have had since Marcie passed. I forced myself to go back to work on Monday, which has actually worked out by getting my mind on other things for a time during the day. However, this morning I simply did not want to do anything.

I got up and trudged in anyway. I worked on little things, caught up on some projects and set my mind to "work mode." I looked into grants for the school district's programs and lingered over dead ends. My heart wasn't into it.

I decided I was hungry today, for both food and a moment of Marcie, so I headed over to Lalo's Tacos (review), one of Marcie's favorites, for fish tacos with all the trimmings, another Marcie favorite.

I enjoyed it in a sad way, but I missed a meeting doing that, though it was rescheduled. I have to get it together.

I got back to my desk to find a message stating that Marcie's death certificates were available, which did nothing for me but cause me stress and make me not want to pick them up. It's a very official, coldly bureaucratic piece of paper that satisfies all of society's stingy and cynical paper potentates that our loss is properly documented and not subject to suspicion real, imagined or procured from spite.

Heaven forbid someone die without being allowed to by the powers that be, that collect and that jealously withhold whatever there is such an event entitles us to. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't dignity or respect.

More on what I will do as a permanent memorial for Marcie tonight.

:(

Things to look forward to

Hello, folks.

I will be adding new elements to the site soon. I will also be disclosing my plans to further memorialize my baby, our Marcie, as I catch my breath. For now, some simple things I hope will help you all remember her, whether you were able to attend her remembrances or not, will soon be on the site.

Planned or in the works are the following:

• A Photo Gallery
  
• A link to an archive of printable photos
• A flash presentation of the memory book from the ceremony
• Fresher links with more relevance to grief, breast cancer, etcetera
• More poems
• Stories from friends and relatives about Marcie

Keep checking in. Much more is still to come.

And Now I Wait

So the ceremony was wonderful, if tearful for me. Everyone was very understanding and let me stumble, choked up, over my thoughts and feelings. I closed it with a poem I wrote Marcie. I hope you all enjoy it. Personal or not, it is to be shared.

And Now I Wait

Sweet Marcie, know you why
Death came that night to choose you?
You were too young to die,
It was too soon to lose you.

Was there too much for us,
So heaven chose to take you?
A life so splendorous,
Did jealous fate forsake you?

So many things to do,
Such dreams we did endeavor.
And mine so built on you,
As love and wife forever.

Our pain of months and years
Overshadowed late that night.
When worst of all my fears,
You slipped beyond my sight.

It matters little dear,
I’m left without you, mourning.
To wander loveless here,
From shared voyage to sojourning.

I’ll never know your touch,
Never hear your voice again.
But what I’ll miss so much,
Is the warmth of you within.

Death was so hard on you,
You fought with all your mettle.
Then, sapped and harrowed through,
I watched your body settle.

You still live in my dreams,
I’ve seen you in your splendor.
Then I wake again, it seems,
And bitterly surrender.

A glaring sun’s new day
Will call for me, I reckon.
'Til then, I hope and pray
At night to hear you beckon.

There was more. If I decide to share those, I will mark them "Poetry:" in the title. Have a good night, folks. I am going over to take care of Marcie's mom.

F.

We Have Sent Her Off In Great Love. Thank You.

Before anything else, let me thank Jane and Jason, Elaine (Jane's mom), Christi, Melody, Tanya and Shawn, and Lisa and Walt. You good ladies and gentlemen pulled off a wonderful feat of coordination. You will suffer visits from me, and Marcie too, I am sure.

The number of people who showed on such a dreary, cold November day for my baby's ceremony was touching and I want to thank you all. She loved everyone in her own little way, and almost everyone who was special to her was able to make it.

To the folks at the Union Tribune and at Signon, I can only say, "Thank You. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You." The money you donated will go to help defray costs of a greater memorial. I will post more details on that on a much calmer day.

To my friends at San Diego Unified, what can I say but, again, "Thank You." You humble me.

Art, Elizabeth, Jim and Mary, your presence was very reassuring to me at the ceremony. I was deeply touched that people who I have not known much more than six months would be so good to me. Thank you.

The wreath from the folks in the Financial Division was beautiful, and the messages in the cards, as well as the signatures, were indicative of how well you take care of each other. I am honored that you have taken me in. I will see you all soon, broken heart permitting.

To our family, a huge thank you. Mom, Bobby and Cindy, what a great boon you were to me this week and in supporting my baby as she fought for life. I love you all.

Gary, John-John, Leslie, Virginia, and of course, Dad, thank you for coming and celebrating my greatest love with me. She knows every one of you by name and knew something about all of you that endeared. She probably knew the names of the wives I am so terrible at remembering the names of, too. She knows how important you all are to me, and I am sure that she was deeply gratified to see you there. Our love to you all.

To my family who attended Nicole's wedding. Firstly Nicole, congratulations! I look forward to meeting the groom, and I trust you chose very well for yourself. My God, I cannot believe that I held you when you were a baby. To the rest of you, I totally approve and understand your choice to support our little cousin in celebrating a love I hope will rival Marcie's and mine.

To my friends Dean, Joey, Karl and Zandie (spelling?). Way to represent. You folks are the epitome of easy-going, blue-collar-roots class (even though you are techies and closet professors, too). I'll be calling for your help in the coming days. I know you'll answer.

Janet and Dave, Marcie always considered you the nicest of people, as do I. That you showed for this latest moment only reinforced that. I promise to uphold our tradition of low-maintenance tenancy and mutual respect as well as she established it.

To Rick Eaton, a good man, master photographer and a true stalwart. Thank you for the beautiful plant and for coming to support me. "One door closes and another opens," you said. Truly. Stay in touch and don't keep those pictures to yourself.

For those of you who have just gotten here, please read the archives. This did not start as a memorial. More will be posted later today.

If you went to the ceremony at Torrey Pines but did not come to the wake afterward, please contact me so that I can add you to the book of attendees. Also, everyone who is following this blog should send an email to frank(dot)pruett(at)cox.net OR frankORD(at)cox(dot)net.

I'll see you all in the fullness of time. Our best to you, from Marcie and I.

F.

NOTE: THE MAP IS WRONG

The map provided by Google is off-center to the point we will be meeting at. I have removed the link from the previous post. LOOK for LIFEGUARD TOWER 4, less than 1/4 mile from where you will turn left onto Torrey Pines Road North (Off Carmel Valey Road). Free Parking above the beach runs along the right side. Sorry for the confusion.

Memorial Ceremony Site Chosen

The memorial site, where people can say a few words in honor of Marcie and (we hope) to release some of her remains, has been chosen. It will be at Torrey Pines, near the beach access slope at Lifeguard Tower 4. We will gather at 5 P.M. You don't have to dress up, but please bring a coat in case it cools down.

To get there, follow Carmel Valley Road until it ends, turning left onto North Torrey Pines Road. Follow North Torrey Pines Road across the little bridge over the lagoon and park on the right.

All of the parking along the road is free, as long as you do not enter the State Preserve lots.Parking is not too limited, but is somewhat and it is a popular spot. If you know others who will attend and live near you or nearby, please carpool to save parking at both the ceremony and the wake.

The ceremony may last beyond sunset. We will likely have candles. After the ceremony, we will proceed to the wake. It may be sooner than 7 p.m., but those who will only attend the wake can show a little late. It will be informal and gentle, much as our Marcie was.

Small Memorials, Little Mentions and More Details

Some of you may know that I once worked at San Diego City Beat. Well, AnnaMaria Stephens, who used to work with Marcie, wrote a cover story on breast cancer and wanted me to know that Marcie was the unnamed woman she mentioned at the Union-Tribune.

Also, Frances Shani Parker has dedicated her post on hospice volunteer vigils at her blog to Marcie. My sweet girl keeps growing, even as we struggle to deal with her departure.

I am about to contact Jane Steele on finalizing our location for the ceremony at Torrey Pines State Beach. A map and directions will be up later. It's very close to the location for the wake, but we need to pin it down.

A Note of Thanks

Thank you to everyone who has written in with condolences. I appreciate your support immensely. I am sorry I cannot respond to everyone individually right now, but I will catch up in time. I am sure that Marcie would be overwhelmed. I'll see everyone at the ceremony and/or the wake.

Directions to the Wake

The reception/wake location for Marcie's remembrance has been determined. It will take place at the Steele residence in Del Mar, 12968 Caminito Del Pasaje (Map, Click Here). The following directions should help:

Going North on 5: 
-  Exit at Carmel Valley Road heading west (left at the light at top of ramp)
-  Proceed west approximately 1 mile
-  Turn right onto Del Mar Scenic Parkway (there is a traffic light at this intersection.)
-  Proceed to up the hill.  Try to park on Del Mar Scenic as close to the top of the hill/tennis court as possible
-  My address:  12968 Caminito del Pasaje - Pasaje is the last street off Del Mar Scenic.

Coming South on 5:
-  Exit at Carmel Valley Road heading west (right at the light at top of ramp)
-  Proceed west approximately 1 mile
-  Turn right onto Del Mar Scenic Parkway (there is a traffic light at this intersection.)
-  Proceed to up the hill.  Try to park on Del Mar Scenic as close to the top of the hill/tennis court as possible
-  My address:  12968 Caminito del Pasaje - Pasaje is the last street off Del Mar Scenic.

West on Ted Williams (56):
- Merge onto Carmel Valley Road West
- Proceed 1.4 miles
-  Turn right onto Del Mar Scenic Parkway (there is a traffic light at this intersection.)
-  Proceed to up the hill.  Try to park on Del Mar Scenic as close to the top of the hill/tennis court as possible
-  My address:  12968 Caminito del Pasaje - Pasaje is the last street off Del Mar Scenic.
 

Marcie's Ceremony and Wake

The wake and the ceremony will happen on Saturday evening. The location will be the Torrey Pines State Beach area for the ceremony, which will be followed by the wake/reception at a private home nearby.

A specific address, along with directions via google maps, will be posted by tomorrow. The remembrance will commence at 5 PM, with dropping in late allowed. The wake will begin at 7 PM.

A reminder to all who want to bring food for the potluck (or supplies or sodas, or gifts). Please contact Jane Steele (janedsteele-at-yahoo-dot-com, no dashes and no parentheses). Jane will coordinate where, what, how and all things food.

Special thanks go to Tanya, Jane (And her mom, of course!), Bobby (Marcie's big brother), and all of you who are contributing. Another special thanks to Marie Salmon for helping with the obituary, which was lovely, and to the people sending out the word internally at the UT and SignOn.

You can read the obituary in today's paper, or find it here. Please sign the guest book, and upload any pictures of our girl that you might have.

Frank

Update On Details

I still don't have a final location for the proceedings, and I am trying to nail down either Friday or Saturday for the event. Currently, they are running neck-and-neck. Whatever the end result, the celebration of life will begin at 5:30 PM Friday or 5:30 PM Saturday. The wake afterward will begin at 7 PM.

By tomorrow, I will lock in a day. The places for the memorial and wake will be announced and directions posted by Thursday night. Please mention if you are bringing spouses or friends. Children will now be allowed for people who have trouble finding sitters.

Folks, I am working on it. Suggestions of place are fine, but because we are all of differing faiths (and levels of it), church sites won't work out. Focus on places near Sunset Cliffs if you have ideas (Point Loma, Shelter Island, etcetera).

Please write in to me, or contact Melissa Senoff (SignOn), Marsi Bowers or Marie Salmon (Union-Trib) so that I can keep a good tally of who will attend.

Our love to all of you,

F.

Some Details

So, I have nailed down the date to Friday or Saturday, sunset. I am leaning toward Saturday. Please write in and let me know if you would like to attend and what day is best for you. Once I know how many to plan for I will narrow down the locations to have the celebration at. I am still open for suggestions.

Because of many people offering to bring food, I will probably forgo catering. If you would like to bring food, bring casseroles, salads, breads and the like. Some baked dessert goods would be great. Let me know what is coming so I can prepare for hot, cold and the like.

There will likely be a memory book with Marcie's photos and some sayings, poems and the like, completed before the day of the memorial proceedings. Knowing how many will attend can help me determine how many of those to have printed.

Offers of Assistance

Good morning, everyone.

I am overwhelmed with your wonderful offers of assistance. They are welcome, but I am not sure where to start. However, I must ask you to not send personal information or communication to me over the blog, since it does not give a reply address to respond to when you post to the blog, and posting is for sharing thoughts with everyone.

When you would like me to contact you or write back, please e-mail me. My address -replacing the words in parentheses with the symbols sans parentheses- is the following: frank(dot)pruett(at)cox(dot)net. No spaces, no parentheses.

Today I will be rewriting Marcie's obituary to be a more verbose celebration of her life and all the special elements she left out in her own, typically modest, script. It should appear in the Union-Tribune tomorrow and Sunday, as long as I get it in on time (1 o'clock this afternoon).

I do need help with her memorial. I need a place close enough to Sunset Cliffs to be inviting to everyone to come for a drink and a bite to eat. I am hoping Marcie's memorial will take place on Friday or Saturday at sunset. I will eulogize her and hope others will speak to her as well. I believe that she will join us in her own way.

On that note, I need to know how many wish to attend and what days work for whom. I am asking that no children be brought to the wake/reception function, but I am also asking that anyone and everyone who knew and loved our Marcie feel welcome to join us for the memorial.

This memorial will not be the last one for Marcie. I will be planning a much more fitting and longer-lasting tribute to her than a piece of dirt and a tombstone can provide. I will share my plans when the time is right. There are other plans as well.

Once again, I am calling out for people to tell me if they will attend. Ask people for me and send names of those wishing to be there. She had a special place in her huge heart for a lot of people, so I hope to see all of those I heard so much about attending.

Our love to all of you.

F.

Hoping for a Visit

I have spent the day thinking about what to do for Marcie's memorial, submitting papers and getting the hospital bed she was trapped in for weeks out of our house. It might help weaken the more recent memories of her in favor of all the beautiful memories her photos have for me to recall.

Thank you to all of you who have been giving and offering your support. I will announce the memorial (or celebration of life) details when I have them worked out.

Some people reported experiencing a strange "wakeup call" around 2 AM last night. I am hoping that I get such a visitation from Marcie. At any rate, I will be sleeping a lot, just in case. Goodnight, folks.

Marcie Has Gone

My baby is gone. Our world is that much darker. It happened at about midnight. She was in great pain, panting and struggling, so I called the hospice nurse, who upped her medication. When I checked on her, she had slipped the bonds of her flesh. I am thoroughly and utterly crushed.

The Fever

I have been fighting Marcie's fever the whole day. It spiked after I moved her this morning. I got some water down her and tried to get her antibiotics in. I have switched from liquids to apple sauce and yogurt as bases to mix her medicines in, as she cannot swallow well and may soon lose that ability wholly.

Unless she turns a corner, this could be it. She did not have her usual evening wide awake time today, but has been struggling and her breathing is rapid. She also has some discomfort, so I will be trying to give her medication again, which she has been refusing.

A Slow and Busy Morning

Marcie's morning ritual took a little tonger this morning. She needed some extra care and I gave it to her.

I woke her at 7 a.m., first clearing her throat of some phlegm and wiping her face, dabbing mostly, patting it dry. I gave her drops of natural tears and cleaned around her cannula:


After the accumulated moisture and grubbiness of Marcie's sleep was off her face, I changed her bed. I gave her a bath while I did it, slowly shifting her to her left side from her right. She quietly watched or snoozed when it suited her, serene.

After almost an hour, I took her laundry out and got it started. She generates a lot of it. I like to use clean washcloths and towels for her. The latter, at least, are plentiful.

I came back and she was snoozing hard. I finished changing her clothes, carefully giving her a fine coat of her favorite oils, salves, unguents, balms, lotions and emulsified suspensions of every type. She woke and indicated she was quite amused by it all, since the home health aids take about half the time and don't "moisturize."

It was time to grind her medications. I did that, made a mix of it and water in a syringe. She took it with OJ. I got her to take some orange juice and more water, finishing two loads of laundry as I set her up with some gentle classical music to drown out the hum of the air mattress and the oxygen rig.

Her pupils are mismatched. I gave her Ativan and massaged her again. She's warm.