Lessons in the Mansion of my Heart-Conclusion?

I woke into the dream and the warmth of her on my lap. She was listening but looking at me often and smiling. I didn't understand the whole thing at all, everything was in broken stutters and rapid clicking and syllables, all running together in bits I could discern then not.

For some reason, I decided to speak, "I don't think I understand," I said. "Could you repeat that more slowly?" I asked, looking at the last person to speak, a man who had a vaguely familiar face.

"The point is that we don't break down all the barriers we build up until we come here, because they don't come with us," he said. "So, we were discussing how barriers are built, and how much easier things are when they never are put in place."

I nodded, and he continued.

"Barriers are protection, and they keep us from feeling vulnerable, even when they are figurative," he said. "But barriers limit us, not just the world around us, so it's more of a weakness to have them than a strength."

Gary cut in at this point and I looked up at him. Marcie squeezed my hand... "Listen..."

"The main discussion is about the stuff outside your house, there, Frank," he said. You build the barrier, you don't just lose the contact with the people you want to lose it with, or the exposure to them, but a lot of other things never some to knock on your door."

I looked out through the weird window and the mountains beyond and saw piles of stone and wood, barbed wire and building materials. a small assemblage of vehicles, tractors and trucks, seemed to be parked close by.

"That would be one big wall, and a lot of barrier to get through or over," Gary said, continuing as I inspected the faraway scene. "We were just talking about how few fences you have, but how much of a maze your world is to navigate as is."

I nodded. I looked into Marcie's eyes, their blue brilliant and glowing a bit, as I was used to now in these dreams.

Marcie whispered, "Honey, if you build it up, you'll never tear it down, and someday it will just be you in a crumbling mansion, with no way to get out from behind it and grow." Somehow, silently, the class disappeared, and she was all that was left, and stroked my nape as she talked to me quietly, melodically.

I looked in her eyes and smiled, bit my lip, "Well, a lot of things keep landing on my doorstep that I don't want because the house is so open."

"You don't have to answer every time, and you don't have to ask people in past the foyer, and you don't have to let the ones you keep into the innermost part of your heart, you just have to keep making room when you need to, and let people wander around and out, if they want." she said.

I nodded and gulped, and she cupped my face, something only she ever really did in all my life. It had been so long since I felt it, I had almost forgotten that special touch. But it was so vibrant, real. I felt hot tears.

"Don't make a fortress out of your mansion, because I love that place the way it is, and so do you," she said. "Just keep it in mind, and keep your heart open. I know you'll get more joy out of being the wild and untamed man you should be than some crazy hermit in a castle."

I looked up and realized she meant more than just my thoughts to be less open, and that some of the other ideas I had in my life may be just as strong for barriers as a hard heart.

"Okay, I will wander but I won't isolate myself," I said. "But sometimes I am going to need to retreat. It's all way too much sometimes, and I am not my best when it is."

She nodded and smiled, "You know where our friends are, and you know who really loves you, so don't retreat, just go love them back a little."

The dream ended with a kiss, and my pillow and face were wet. It was 5:25 AM, so I stayed up and watched the sun rise over Mt. Helix. It was cold in the morning again, but I did not really feel it overmuch. When the ground was lit, I went home.

Call for Input-When Marcie made you laugh

Okay, folks. I need your help. I am going to write about The Mumbler and RiverMannonite next, but Marcie had a beautiful wit and a very unique sense of humor. I would like to share that side of her, as well.

Marcie interacted with me differently from how she she interacted with her friends. Share some of your stories about your moments of silliness, joy or humor with her with me and let me know if i can post them.

Moments of her wisdom, intelligence, cleverness or quirkiness would be wonderful to share, too.

Thanks, folks!

Desperately seeking GrandCentral Invite

Months ago, I signed up for the Beta of GrandCentral, which allows the forwarding of cals to a cellular phone without indicating it is a forwarded call at all. I planned to use it to forward to a T-Mobile (adding my GrandCentral number as one of my five "faves"). This would allow me to work from wherever I wanted.

Unfortunately, it seems my application was never approved, or the offer (to let all bloggers on blogspot get in) was rescinded before my number was granted. Invitations, however, are out there.

If you are a Grand Central user, please send me an invitation number at francis(dot)pruett(at)gmail(dot)com.

Thanks, folks.

Some Reminders...

Sunday, February 3 will be the last day to cut and paste the sauce and dinner recipes, including the nutty rice. Please save them now.

You should send me an email when you want to speak privately. Sometimes, I do not have your email address and you don't necessarily share it with me when you post. Keep it in mind, folks.

I will get around to listing Marcie and my stuff on Ebay, Amazon, etc. I will replace the Amazon store to the left with her and my items when I do.

If there is something personal you want of Marcie's and have not told me, please do. This also goes for long-lost friends, old coworkers and relatives who have been recalcitrant. No, you won't haul away bags of loot, but I would like for our loved ones to have keepsakes of some personal value, and I am trying to also lighten my load before I start my work.

One last reminder: you all have stories and dreams to share. Especially for you who woke early in the morning Oct. 29th, I extend the invitation to share with everyone here. Everything we celebrate about Marcie's life extends her reach not only in our own lives and hearts but in those of the people you sharing will touch.

This weekend I plan to take some pictures of our old house, intersperse them with pictures of Seamus in it, and maybe take some shots of the old Suncrest Place and Casa Arleda. We'll see.

Much love,
F.

A Moment of Marcie: Jane's Dream

Jane, who everyone here knows from many entries in the blog and many of our other from Marcie's loving tales of her, wrote me an email and told me I could share the following dream she had. I hope you enjoy her gift as much as I did.

From Jane:

Hellllo Francis,
I had a Marcie dream finally. I'm sure I have them all the time, but I haven't had easy access to my dreams for quite some time now. The details are a bit sketchy, so I'll just tell you that it was in a big beautiful church that was full of light, and it was a memorial for Marcie.

The pews were full of family and friends, and people were sharing stories. There were some heartbreaking moments, but the overall feeling was one of love and community.

The crazy part is that in the midst of all this in comes Marcie. All beautiful and radiant, she walked into the church and she started singing.

In my head I was thinking that I'd never heard Marcie sing, and that it's so unlike her to sing in front of a large group of people. But sing she did.

And it was beautiful. That's all I remember, but I was grateful to have that dream, no matter how vague.

Thanks, New Pictures, New Store, More to Come

Hello, folks. First some gratitude, of which I have a lot to catch up on.

Thank you to my friends at Race and Human Relations at San Diego Unified. Your card is on my desk and I am thankful for the warmth and kindness, as well as class, that you share with me. I'll see you all soon.

Thank you, Mr. Cansdale. Your sharing of your own loss with me was very generous and poignant. It also showed you carry a strong ongoing connection to your loved one, which I found to be deeply comforting.

Thank you Jane. The photos are in the rotation. Please do me the favor of sending a few featuring you and Marcie. That goes for all of her friends. She would like having company in the pictures, as she was not very fond of having them taken in the first place.

Thank you, readers. Check out the originals of the title picture and two new pics in the photo sequence to the right. click on her picture for a bigger look, too...

There is a store to the right. I will be stocking it with Marcie's favorite things. Buy away. I get a little cut, but every penny goes to the mission. I will soon be adding a store with our personal possessions for sale as well.

No sharing of that list tonight, by the way. My camera is on the fritz (memory card issue). But tomorrow, we will share Marcie's Last List, if I do not completely fall apart trying to.

Good night, everyone.

F.

Marcie's Ceremony and Wake

The wake and the ceremony will happen on Saturday evening. The location will be the Torrey Pines State Beach area for the ceremony, which will be followed by the wake/reception at a private home nearby.

A specific address, along with directions via google maps, will be posted by tomorrow. The remembrance will commence at 5 PM, with dropping in late allowed. The wake will begin at 7 PM.

A reminder to all who want to bring food for the potluck (or supplies or sodas, or gifts). Please contact Jane Steele (janedsteele-at-yahoo-dot-com, no dashes and no parentheses). Jane will coordinate where, what, how and all things food.

Special thanks go to Tanya, Jane (And her mom, of course!), Bobby (Marcie's big brother), and all of you who are contributing. Another special thanks to Marie Salmon for helping with the obituary, which was lovely, and to the people sending out the word internally at the UT and SignOn.

You can read the obituary in today's paper, or find it here. Please sign the guest book, and upload any pictures of our girl that you might have.

Frank

Update On Details

I still don't have a final location for the proceedings, and I am trying to nail down either Friday or Saturday for the event. Currently, they are running neck-and-neck. Whatever the end result, the celebration of life will begin at 5:30 PM Friday or 5:30 PM Saturday. The wake afterward will begin at 7 PM.

By tomorrow, I will lock in a day. The places for the memorial and wake will be announced and directions posted by Thursday night. Please mention if you are bringing spouses or friends. Children will now be allowed for people who have trouble finding sitters.

Folks, I am working on it. Suggestions of place are fine, but because we are all of differing faiths (and levels of it), church sites won't work out. Focus on places near Sunset Cliffs if you have ideas (Point Loma, Shelter Island, etcetera).

Please write in to me, or contact Melissa Senoff (SignOn), Marsi Bowers or Marie Salmon (Union-Trib) so that I can keep a good tally of who will attend.

Our love to all of you,

F.

Offers of Assistance

Good morning, everyone.

I am overwhelmed with your wonderful offers of assistance. They are welcome, but I am not sure where to start. However, I must ask you to not send personal information or communication to me over the blog, since it does not give a reply address to respond to when you post to the blog, and posting is for sharing thoughts with everyone.

When you would like me to contact you or write back, please e-mail me. My address -replacing the words in parentheses with the symbols sans parentheses- is the following: frank(dot)pruett(at)cox(dot)net. No spaces, no parentheses.

Today I will be rewriting Marcie's obituary to be a more verbose celebration of her life and all the special elements she left out in her own, typically modest, script. It should appear in the Union-Tribune tomorrow and Sunday, as long as I get it in on time (1 o'clock this afternoon).

I do need help with her memorial. I need a place close enough to Sunset Cliffs to be inviting to everyone to come for a drink and a bite to eat. I am hoping Marcie's memorial will take place on Friday or Saturday at sunset. I will eulogize her and hope others will speak to her as well. I believe that she will join us in her own way.

On that note, I need to know how many wish to attend and what days work for whom. I am asking that no children be brought to the wake/reception function, but I am also asking that anyone and everyone who knew and loved our Marcie feel welcome to join us for the memorial.

This memorial will not be the last one for Marcie. I will be planning a much more fitting and longer-lasting tribute to her than a piece of dirt and a tombstone can provide. I will share my plans when the time is right. There are other plans as well.

Once again, I am calling out for people to tell me if they will attend. Ask people for me and send names of those wishing to be there. She had a special place in her huge heart for a lot of people, so I hope to see all of those I heard so much about attending.

Our love to all of you.

F.