Wonderful Morning

Seamus was too cold to not sleep all night between my legs, which is nice in its own way, and I woke with him mewing and cuddling tight. I remember him laying long between us, stretched out, on his back, paws stuck in the sheets while he kitty-snored, every night from fall to early spring.

I guess those cuddle nights are back!

I fully awoke and lit a candle I had saved for this year, smiled and felt the weight of the last few days slide off me and the great strength and assurance of that great love slide into me.

I don't miss you today, milady. I am grateful for you and the knowledge of who I am in myself and who I was in your eyes. Nothing, I believe, will shake that sense of goodness and approval.

And though nothing is ever unconditional, the conditions were just what we needed to feel that way :)

Remembering it all again

I remember this week two years ago, and it has been weighing on me again. Her shallow breaths, her little hopeful moments and the long periods of pain in between for us both, the visits from harried Hospice workers, all of it.

I do not know why my mind and heart return to that place so strongly and vividly as they do now, but I certainly feel the sadness and sense of being forlorn, punctuated by the little happy seconds of victory.

They were such small ones. Making a little mush of her pills with honey to ward off the bitterness, getting a drop or two of water or soup down her parched throat and seeing her look at me with recognition and love, not fear and confusion.

I remember watching her as the pain would fade after waiting for the morphine to kick in, trying to stay ahead of the agony for her. I remember feeling my own pain subside as her breath evened out.

Every four hours, the alarm would go off and I would administer her medication. Looking wearily at 11pm, 3am, 7am, work time.

I remember Barbara would come in and me reluctantly leaving to try and keep my work in order and rushing back every break to help and check on her, change her linens and diaper, and get back to work. The heaviness of it all that ground me down and made me short with people, all very vivid.

Two years ago today, I wrote "The vigil begins." The gurgling in her chest would turn out to be pneumonia. But we fought on, and if she could not make chitchat, she would at least love me with her eyes.

I miss her eyes now most. Fiery and kind, strong and vulnerable, and in the end pained but hopeful, a study in contrasts. More than a window to her soul, they were a window to my heart for her.

Work is in progress...

I have started writing the book in earnest when I have time and inspiration, but am holding it all offline until it is ready for submission and editing. Thank you for the words of encouragement, folks :)

I will be posting a personal blog for myself soon enough as this process evolves, and let some of you readers in on my current activities and work. My journey does continue, and in some new directions you might want to hear about.

In the mean time, I will post some poems and such when I can and as I decide what to put and what not to put in the printed book.

After (and if) it goes to print, I will be revamping this site, moving it to a new server and generally using the new version as a promotional nexus and to provide other loved ones their own spots to write again.

As always, if you would like to contribute your own memories and thoughts on Marcie and her life, please email me and I will post it here. Anything that ends up in the book will get you a credit :)

Heck, maybe it will be an anthology of sorts (or perhaps a separate supplement :).

A longer road than I wanted

It has been a busy season, for sure. I have started a business, begun preparations for a move and also started selling things from our home. After working from a computer screen all day, it is hard to simply tack Marcie on.

Work behind the scenes continues on her book and my trip. We'll see how the financial situation out there looks when the time is nigh. In the mean time, I have planned to spread her ashes in special places locally, as well.

I will post a thought and maybe a poem for each when I undertake them.

For now, I look out on a world once filled with her and more beautiful for it, still beautiful but so much less without her. I do not look forward to each day, but I no longer dread them.

That's an improvement.

With love,

F.

Secret posts

So I am posting in the back end of the blog as I work on the book. Some things to look forward to: I will be posting China films, writing some about Marcie and I and the kids question, and just reminiscing. I feel as if the dispersal last week(ish) helped me unclog a lot...

Home again, and dreams, and finishing Hong Kong

As Marcie's birthday approaches, I have some thoughts to share, and dreams as well. What a trip, so to speak. There will be many more pictures and a ton of flicks I shot on video. For now, the jet lag is slowly wearing off and my heart is full and warm.

Have a good Saturday, folks. I am off to reconnect with my San Diego life.

Starting in an easier place

So, I have been dragging my feet on selling all of our stuff. With Marcie's goods, this is because it kills me to look at it all and sort through it. The items she owned, even the insignificant ones, point to her personality and tastes very strongly. With the televisions and the electronics, it is just that I have to find the market.

Next weekend I will do a test garage sale and Craigslist spree. I will essentially attempt to pare my life down to almost nil... again. However, this means that I will have to work on selling Marcie's things, too. I dread it.

I will start with my own items for now and our videos and DVDs. After that, books, perfumes and knickknacks. Gah. This is so going to suck...

I will post links to the craigslist-offered items for you folks to look at. Unfortunately, Amazon makes it tough to sell or link to items I post there... but I will try when I get to that point. There will be a media list before I put that on Amazon, so watc for that.

I promise a substantive post tonight. I had a dream of her last night.

Delay

Pictures are delayed until I can get some really good shots of the beautiful pink plumeria opening up on our porch... but they will be worth it. Also, I want one of the gardenia buds to open so that it can be part of the slide show.

F.

Desperately seeking GrandCentral Invite

Months ago, I signed up for the Beta of GrandCentral, which allows the forwarding of cals to a cellular phone without indicating it is a forwarded call at all. I planned to use it to forward to a T-Mobile (adding my GrandCentral number as one of my five "faves"). This would allow me to work from wherever I wanted.

Unfortunately, it seems my application was never approved, or the offer (to let all bloggers on blogspot get in) was rescinded before my number was granted. Invitations, however, are out there.

If you are a Grand Central user, please send me an invitation number at francis(dot)pruett(at)gmail(dot)com.

Thanks, folks.

A Place She Always Wanted To Go and Other Stuff

Marcie had some San Diego places to see on her list before she passed. I have decided, as my own departure approaches, to visit them for her.

One of those I wanted to visit with her was the Gulf Coast Grill. A Cajun/Creole joint, it promised to Marcie a flavor of another place she wanted to see: New Orleans. Her taste buds were never in shape enough to go to it. She always held off.

Everything was delightful, with one little wrinkle. I will post a link to a review of it on Yelp! which will be posted later. For now, consider this post a placeholder.

There is also more to write about Marcie and my birthday, too. That will come soon enough, as will some more of her characters and her little stories about them.

G'night for now,

Francis

Annoying Spell-Check

So Google's spell-check allows non-agreeing clauses and when enabled to do auto-correct, inserts whatever is closest. Grrr... this, coupled with my light typing style, ends up embarrassing me. I hate how my words get mangled by technology.

I am working on a post about birthdays and our girl but have been frustrated by the technology and have therefore delayed it. It will be up soon.

Update issues

The photos are overdue. I'll get to them, but it's still hard to look at them and see her face so many times and keep it together. I'll probably end up posting the last two chapters on Otto
first. I have been home today from work, and not at the top of my game, so no update today.

Stories...

We'll continue with Otto tomorrow. I will also return to Marcie's maternal instincts and her caring side as well. I am sure you see that it all shines through in her way of relating to her "urchins."

Marcie's cast will expand into her less-developed characters after Otto, all of whom she wove memorable biographies around. Tomorrow, however, I will be posting a poem and some pictures to look at. I hope you enjoy them both.

I will be working intensively over the next week and attempting to finish off the grant work I have at the district before moving on. Then, the big scouting trip to San Francisco begins. So that's where I am at.

Email with questions if you have any. We return to our regular programming Sunday or Monday.

Notice

Since a family member requested it, I have pulled three posts for now. I originally intended to back-side publish them but they went live instead of into my drafts. At this point, however, I am going to lay a few things out:

-Someone called a family member and alarmed them.

If you have an issue with the blog, write to me. I will deal with permissions and issues like this on my own.

-The family member mentioned posts including Marcie's and my intimacy

I am writing abook about Marcie that Marcie would want to read even if it was about someone else. It will be honest, occasionally very direct and it will be adult when it is appropriate and true.

-Issues of privacy and Marcie being a "private person."

I do not consider this a valid concern. Marcie put up with a lot and it was admirable. I will not cut back on the full details except perhaps to mask an identity slightly that is otherwise innocent. Maybe.

My editorial outlook and truth are all that will control what is in the book. I have 183 separate posts not published on the active, visible blog and reserved for the book. When I decide to start publishing items, there will be short narratives first.

If it is true, I will do my best to protect feelings. I will not, however, lie, or paint an incomplete picture for the comfort of everyone who might see it. This blog is my property and I will judge retractions on a case by case basis.

The posts will be replaced with something that tells the tale with less identifying data.

To the person who called the family member: please write me an email or call me at my number and let's talk. One way or another, you need to speak your peace, too.

That is it for now, folks. But there is more coming, and we may be going invite-only. But this much is for sure: if I know you and you have something to say, be direct.

As for the truth and Marcie's life, it is fair game for publishing and only my choice to respect the wishes of others rules in regards to the truthful description of events and people in it.

Marcie's quirks

Marcie had some quirks, as we all do. For me, they were endearing little aberrations which led me to her more strongly. I think I will reflect on these before they are lost over the next few days, as they are just as important a part of her as all the things that were conventionally good.

Catch-up Day

I'll be posting a lot tomorrow, including the conclusion to my latest and some more food-related Marcie information. I have more to post across a wide variety of topics, in fact, and will share more as the weekend progresses.

Sorry for the delay...

But I have to process some stuff and I will return to both Seamus and the poem later on. I have a lot of work to do. I'll break everything down later... Stay tuned for a post tomorrow...

A Thought On Love and Hate

A thought for the day, formulated as I ran last night (and before a delightful evening at a wine bar as my reward):

"All good things can be found in the wake of love, but hatred is only followed by sorrow."

Last night's part 2 about Seamus did not get posted somehow, so I have to rewrite it. That will happen later this afternoon.

F.

No update tonight

I had some pictures to share but that will have to wait, as my camera is apparently still on my desk at work! Bah. I have been trying to get to little engagements around the neighborhood, some of which are quite fun.

One of them Marcie said she might not mind going to, but she only found out about while she read up on the neighborhood...

I'll share it tomorrow.

Night, F.

A disservice

I have posted stridently about romance and love, and I have been very supportive of an idealistic look at such sentiments. I want to acknowledge the people this outlook potentially does disservice to.

To the people who have been badly hurt after being taken in by pretty words, I apologize. Not everyone is sincere, and there are many scoundrels cajoling and carousing in the pilfered cloth of troubadours.

Just listen to your heart, and if it hears something wrongly, run away.

To the people who have honestly lost faith and settled, or have found some lusterless lifelong relationship in the mundane and unloving safety of someone familiar, I apologize. It is your choice to comfort yourself how you choose in this ugly world.

Refuge can be more important than comfort, and much more accessible. But settle well.

To those who have had their fill of romance and decided that more of it is far too much, no matter how little more there might be for you, I apologize. I understand you completely and I have been there with you. Romance is a burden.

It can be easier to appreciate what we have had and pursue something less taxing.

To the people who have spent so much of their lives in love and dedicated to it that they have forgone great things and feel the burden of lost opportunity, I apologize. You do not need my notions and insistence in them to coax you into further sacrifice.

Remember opportunity has its place, and true love should make room for it either way.

To those who have suffered as that great devotion was severed or stripped from them-their careful, loving ministrations spent on a phantom-I apologize. How can I, knowing what you have been through, call you jaded or cynical when you evade it?

We who truly love have a secret knowledge of its cost in this vapid, nasty world.

It is all I can do to advocate some try to adhere to romance and some basic code of the heart. But before I let everyone know where, after my duty to Marcie is discharged, I will focus my efforts, I wanted to cut some slack.

I'll likely need some, too. On all counts.