So you said you would never forgive me if I ever never loved again. I have, but not as wholly as I did you. There just wasn't time. But there was time for some joy and laughs and even travel, and some of it was so very satisfying.
I need you to trust me, baby. I am going to get there again someday. But for now, some of the blessings you gave me, I realize (in these times), will just sit like pearls before swine.
I don't know how to do this dance nowadays, because I have never failed to love. I still believe in it, still cultivate it, still love everyone I can. I just don't know if I should leave it all so very plainly on the table.
I appreciated your visit the other night, and you seem to know my unbreakable heart, unflinching loyalty and ever-questing spirit are all intact. But my sense of ethics in regards to them seems to want me to be more free. I hope that's okay with you.
Good night, baby. Come see me while I travel :)
And for you more physically present folks, a new post tomorrow.
Night!
Showing posts with label The Plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Plan. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Luxury Living for The Dead
Check this out. I floated past this graveyard every time we ferried onto the main island in Hong Kong. Having a view of the sea is not just for the rich living, you know... it is also for the rich dead.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Secret posts
So I am posting in the back end of the blog as I work on the book. Some things to look forward to: I will be posting China films, writing some about Marcie and I and the kids question, and just reminiscing. I feel as if the dispersal last week(ish) helped me unclog a lot...
Monday, October 6, 2008
One year ago
I walked into the room and asked her if she needed help getting up. She did. I helped her and her legs buckled under her. The day before, she had been walking fine. I was upset, of course, and called hospice for help.
By the time they arrived, Jane had come by. It was agonizing to fight with the hospice people. Marcie needed help, and they were insisting it was the progression of her disease.
I was suspicious. She had been fine the night before. She had also had a medication change.
Her diuretic, used to control her swelling in the arms from post-surgical edema, had been replaced by the hospice doctor with a powerful statin. I did not piece it together right away, but a few months after her death, I did.
They changed the drug that night while she slept at a nursing home. She never recovered.
There was no progression of her disease, her tumors had been retreating. I found this out a week later. She had, until that night, been recovering and gettign just a little stronger.
This will not stand. I think the statin did the damage, and her three-week downward spiral and death, losing function on one side of her body as she did, lies at the feet of the doctor whose care she was under.
On her birthday, last year, a mistake or something more sinister sent Marcie on a hellish journey to death.
I remembered her very good, sweet nature today as I went through my routine as best I could. I lit her candles and talked to her. Now that her special day has drawn to a close, I reflect on the injustice of it all.
Four decades of her grace, sweetness and beauty was not enough. She, and all of us deserved and had coming far more.
This will not stand.
By the time they arrived, Jane had come by. It was agonizing to fight with the hospice people. Marcie needed help, and they were insisting it was the progression of her disease.
I was suspicious. She had been fine the night before. She had also had a medication change.
Her diuretic, used to control her swelling in the arms from post-surgical edema, had been replaced by the hospice doctor with a powerful statin. I did not piece it together right away, but a few months after her death, I did.
They changed the drug that night while she slept at a nursing home. She never recovered.
There was no progression of her disease, her tumors had been retreating. I found this out a week later. She had, until that night, been recovering and gettign just a little stronger.
This will not stand. I think the statin did the damage, and her three-week downward spiral and death, losing function on one side of her body as she did, lies at the feet of the doctor whose care she was under.
On her birthday, last year, a mistake or something more sinister sent Marcie on a hellish journey to death.
I remembered her very good, sweet nature today as I went through my routine as best I could. I lit her candles and talked to her. Now that her special day has drawn to a close, I reflect on the injustice of it all.
Four decades of her grace, sweetness and beauty was not enough. She, and all of us deserved and had coming far more.
This will not stand.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Marcie's first resting place
So, I went on a long pilgrimage this morning, walking to the opposite side of the island with Marcie's cremains. I found the spot I wanted and felt he would have her breath stolen by in life, and let her go.
It was one of the hardest days ever, but I feel I did her the honor I should. The film is below. Good night, folks.
It was one of the hardest days ever, but I feel I did her the honor I should. The film is below. Good night, folks.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Marcie in Hong Kong - Visit
Marcie visited last night, but I was too conscious and couldn't go with the flow. Still, there was a moment at the end... far too brief.
She continues to console me, but I still wake and fall apart after her appearances. For a little while, until the comfort of her presence and the specialness of that connection wraps itself around me like a hug.
More later.
She continues to console me, but I still wake and fall apart after her appearances. For a little while, until the comfort of her presence and the specialness of that connection wraps itself around me like a hug.
More later.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Temple of the Sea God
Here is the little temple that sits at the entrance to Pak Kok village. Pak Tai is the Taoist sea god, and one of his power symbols is the turtle. Appropriate, no? There are many little temples to him like this on the island, likely because of all the fishing that is done here. Enjoy!
The harbor and the hill of the dead
I have some films to share with you all tomorrow. A tour of a small temple... a view of a huge sea-facing place of rest, and some oddities of Hong Kong that come from familiar names and ideas.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ending a long week
She has been all over my heart and mind, and now I am tired. But I will be taking her to the Turtle Place soon, and I will have to be rested, I think, to deal with that emotional bomb. Today I meditated after a long work day and watched the sky change. I thought I'd share some of it, too.
I wish I had her here to enjoy it with me, of course.
I have been collecting pictures of little things around the island that make me feel her presence. I'll share that in a day or two as I prepare for the film of my trip to Turtle Beach.
The Thoughtful Skies of Lamma
I wish I had her here to enjoy it with me, of course.
I have been collecting pictures of little things around the island that make me feel her presence. I'll share that in a day or two as I prepare for the film of my trip to Turtle Beach.
Monday, September 22, 2008
The view from my front porch
Here are some of the sounds and sights I wish she and I could be sharing here on Lamma. Marcie loved early morning wildlife sounds. Turn your volume up to hear these.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Waking up...
There was a quiet in my heart.
I gazed out on the sea.
I was surrounded but apart
as people jostled me.
The din about me hammered on
with life and toil and smoke.
A million people yammered on
though muted as they spoke.
By senses neither lost nor dulled.
My mind was not adrift.
But when the world sighed they lulled
and I felt an eldritch shift.
A hint of you blew past my nose,
A woman with your scent
A happy laugh and flash of rose
appeared, then off she went.
A pair of lovers, fixed, held hands
an island in the flow.
A solid point in the shifting sands
like us, just months ago.
I met his eye and nodded, waved
and smiled as they then bowed.
Then off they went, the moment saved,
before they joined the crowd.
And at the pier a woman stared
out on the choppy sea
Her skirt and blouse were nicely paired
and so like you, to me.
I know I've gone so far away
among the crowd, to roam.
But you were there with me today
my heart your quiet home.
I gazed out on the sea.
I was surrounded but apart
as people jostled me.
The din about me hammered on
with life and toil and smoke.
A million people yammered on
though muted as they spoke.
By senses neither lost nor dulled.
My mind was not adrift.
But when the world sighed they lulled
and I felt an eldritch shift.
A hint of you blew past my nose,
A woman with your scent
A happy laugh and flash of rose
appeared, then off she went.
A pair of lovers, fixed, held hands
an island in the flow.
A solid point in the shifting sands
like us, just months ago.
I met his eye and nodded, waved
and smiled as they then bowed.
Then off they went, the moment saved,
before they joined the crowd.
And at the pier a woman stared
out on the choppy sea
Her skirt and blouse were nicely paired
and so like you, to me.
I know I've gone so far away
among the crowd, to roam.
But you were there with me today
my heart your quiet home.
Arrival
I am exhilarated but pensive. I don't know what is going to happen when I drop off some of Marcie's ashes at the beach, but I am feeling her presence and that is enough. I will film the dispersal for everyone, and my words to her during this first moment, too.
She would love this place. She would love the surroundings, the heat and humidity, the thunderstorms in the evening, the hustle and bustle and the raw energy.
What I wish goes unsaid and unwritten because it is thoroughly understandable and predictable, and impossible to fulfill. I will share with all you who knew or have come to know her.
Look for pictures and film later on this weekend. I have been busy and will remain so.
She would love this place. She would love the surroundings, the heat and humidity, the thunderstorms in the evening, the hustle and bustle and the raw energy.
What I wish goes unsaid and unwritten because it is thoroughly understandable and predictable, and impossible to fulfill. I will share with all you who knew or have come to know her.
Look for pictures and film later on this weekend. I have been busy and will remain so.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The guardian and the preparation
Seamus has taken to sitting on Marcie's table of memorial, alongside her container. This began a short time ago. Usually, he slept under her. It is almost as if he has to be even closer. Of course, my dreams have accelerated, too.
I wonder if his have. At any rate, a few pictures:
I will post pictures of her recontainment another day. I sleep and prepare for the journey for now, folks. Good night.
I wonder if his have. At any rate, a few pictures:
I will post pictures of her recontainment another day. I sleep and prepare for the journey for now, folks. Good night.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The List
Socks
Shoes
Shirts
Pants
Hats
Jacket
Umbrella
Deodorant
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Medicine
Nail Clippers
Laptop
Money
Camera
Memory cards
Memories
MP3 player (hers)
Ashes (hers)
Her
Shoes
Shirts
Pants
Hats
Jacket
Umbrella
Deodorant
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Medicine
Nail Clippers
Laptop
Money
Camera
Memory cards
Memories
MP3 player (hers)
Ashes (hers)
Her
Monday, September 15, 2008
Hong Kong Preparation-The Plan Begins
I have begun to pack for the trip and prepare my house. I am sorry to have to leave Seamus behind, but he will be in good hands. In the mean time, I have decided to bring a little bit of Marcie's cremains to Hong Kong.
Marcie's family and friends know of her love for sea turtles. She was enchanted by one during her trip to Hawaii. She spoke of it constantly afterward, and looked forward to going back to that lagoon for another "encounter," as she described it.
The island of Lamma, where I will be staying, is home to the Green turtle, an endangered species that lays its eggs there after travelling thousands of miles. Their breeding season ends in October, so we are just in time.
I will leave some of her ashes on or near the beach with the turtles, so that she can commune with them and be visited every summer. I will try to place her in a place with a nice view of the beach it all happens at.
I will, of course, snap pictures.
Marcie's family and friends know of her love for sea turtles. She was enchanted by one during her trip to Hawaii. She spoke of it constantly afterward, and looked forward to going back to that lagoon for another "encounter," as she described it.
The island of Lamma, where I will be staying, is home to the Green turtle, an endangered species that lays its eggs there after travelling thousands of miles. Their breeding season ends in October, so we are just in time.
I will leave some of her ashes on or near the beach with the turtles, so that she can commune with them and be visited every summer. I will try to place her in a place with a nice view of the beach it all happens at.
I will, of course, snap pictures.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Preparing to move
Well, it is time. I have begun snapping shots of products and items we own that can be sold online, and soon will start posting craigslist ads to rid myself of some of the heavier items. I expect the move and settling in in San Francisco to be a bit expensive, but for my mind's sake, I have to get to it.
Of course, I still have to get to Hong Kong for a potential business deal, so we'll see how that pans out. I'll let you all know. After that, it will be all preparation for the actual act of moving.
I'm keeping the time line short, but open. However, I cannot stand looking at all the gigs in San Francisco, as compared to here in San Diego. If it doesn't work out?
Hah. It will work out. I have layered backup plans already in place and opened a few doors while I wa sup last time.
In the mean time, I will be posting more on Marcie and I later today. But for the next week I intend to enjoy being unemployed but look for work in optimal conditions...
Of course, I still have to get to Hong Kong for a potential business deal, so we'll see how that pans out. I'll let you all know. After that, it will be all preparation for the actual act of moving.
I'm keeping the time line short, but open. However, I cannot stand looking at all the gigs in San Francisco, as compared to here in San Diego. If it doesn't work out?
Hah. It will work out. I have layered backup plans already in place and opened a few doors while I wa sup last time.
In the mean time, I will be posting more on Marcie and I later today. But for the next week I intend to enjoy being unemployed but look for work in optimal conditions...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
San Francisco Then and Next
Marcie and I had planned to move to San Francisco before we returned to San Diego, but there was one complication. Marcie was not able to stay in Humboldt any longer, and was not willing to take a chance on moving to San Francisco without a job to support us.
"Honey, it is way too expensive," she said. "We can't afford it unless we both have jobs."
She was right, of course. But for me to get the job I wanted, at Imagine Networks, I needed a bachelor's, complete and ready to present. That required one more semester, the fall of 1998.
She let it be known by May that it was impossible. "I can't stand it here anymore," she cried, holding her face in her hands and heaving at the shoulders as I held her against me. "I can't do this anymore.
Of course, I had been feeling the strain of her discontentment for some time. She was always picking fights and never really happy. I was through with the anger.
I had no idea that her boss was harassing her. That would have changed a lot of things, including the term of his lifespan.
But there was no time to arrange anything. We returned to San Diego. I was miserable instantly.
I don't know what would have become of us in San Francisco, but I know I would rather be anywhere with her than alone anywhere else. I wish I still had that choice.
But at least I can choose to move and, in so doing, explore that beautiful city for her.
"Honey, it is way too expensive," she said. "We can't afford it unless we both have jobs."
She was right, of course. But for me to get the job I wanted, at Imagine Networks, I needed a bachelor's, complete and ready to present. That required one more semester, the fall of 1998.
She let it be known by May that it was impossible. "I can't stand it here anymore," she cried, holding her face in her hands and heaving at the shoulders as I held her against me. "I can't do this anymore.
Of course, I had been feeling the strain of her discontentment for some time. She was always picking fights and never really happy. I was through with the anger.
I had no idea that her boss was harassing her. That would have changed a lot of things, including the term of his lifespan.
But there was no time to arrange anything. We returned to San Diego. I was miserable instantly.
I don't know what would have become of us in San Francisco, but I know I would rather be anywhere with her than alone anywhere else. I wish I still had that choice.
But at least I can choose to move and, in so doing, explore that beautiful city for her.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Starting in an easier place
So, I have been dragging my feet on selling all of our stuff. With Marcie's goods, this is because it kills me to look at it all and sort through it. The items she owned, even the insignificant ones, point to her personality and tastes very strongly. With the televisions and the electronics, it is just that I have to find the market.
Next weekend I will do a test garage sale and Craigslist spree. I will essentially attempt to pare my life down to almost nil... again. However, this means that I will have to work on selling Marcie's things, too. I dread it.
I will start with my own items for now and our videos and DVDs. After that, books, perfumes and knickknacks. Gah. This is so going to suck...
I will post links to the craigslist-offered items for you folks to look at. Unfortunately, Amazon makes it tough to sell or link to items I post there... but I will try when I get to that point. There will be a media list before I put that on Amazon, so watc for that.
I promise a substantive post tonight. I had a dream of her last night.
Next weekend I will do a test garage sale and Craigslist spree. I will essentially attempt to pare my life down to almost nil... again. However, this means that I will have to work on selling Marcie's things, too. I dread it.
I will start with my own items for now and our videos and DVDs. After that, books, perfumes and knickknacks. Gah. This is so going to suck...
I will post links to the craigslist-offered items for you folks to look at. Unfortunately, Amazon makes it tough to sell or link to items I post there... but I will try when I get to that point. There will be a media list before I put that on Amazon, so watc for that.
I promise a substantive post tonight. I had a dream of her last night.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Things to look forward to
I will be returning to our friends, Marcie's characters, visitors and urchins and their associated stories, in due time. Due time means this week.
I will be launching a new site which will correspond with my travels to places Marcie wanted to see and my visits to locations she would have wanted to experience in those places. Oddly enough, the first stop is not in her longer list, but someplace she always spoke to me of.
I am going to Hong Kong in the next months to help a friend launch his publishing empire into the web 2.0 world. I may end up with a piece of that empire for my help. I will also be making stops in Thailand for the Moon Festival and possibly stopping in Fiji for a day or two, another visit Marcie wished to make.
The die is cast.
I will also begin the long goodbye, a blog dedicated to her memorial journey itself. It is time to set the plan in motion and start my new life with those first few steps to honor and complete hers. But we are not done here by any means.
The goal is publication. I will entertain offers and ideas on how to monetize my ongoing efforts. I am also hoping to hear back from friends so I can plan a trip to San Francisco. This will, as stated before, be a scouting mission for my eventual resettlement.
That's the big news. I return you now to our regularly irregular programming.
I will be launching a new site which will correspond with my travels to places Marcie wanted to see and my visits to locations she would have wanted to experience in those places. Oddly enough, the first stop is not in her longer list, but someplace she always spoke to me of.
I am going to Hong Kong in the next months to help a friend launch his publishing empire into the web 2.0 world. I may end up with a piece of that empire for my help. I will also be making stops in Thailand for the Moon Festival and possibly stopping in Fiji for a day or two, another visit Marcie wished to make.
The die is cast.
I will also begin the long goodbye, a blog dedicated to her memorial journey itself. It is time to set the plan in motion and start my new life with those first few steps to honor and complete hers. But we are not done here by any means.
The goal is publication. I will entertain offers and ideas on how to monetize my ongoing efforts. I am also hoping to hear back from friends so I can plan a trip to San Francisco. This will, as stated before, be a scouting mission for my eventual resettlement.
That's the big news. I return you now to our regularly irregular programming.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Changes afoot... some thank-yous
Friday was the last day I worked as Editorial Assistant with the San Diego Unified School District. Yes, school cuts got me. This is no big surprise and it plays into my plans, so I am far from stressed. My job officially ended on June 30.
I first pursued the job when Marcie's illness became so acute that I had to both increase my income and find more suitable benefits with no preexisting condition limitations.
It was a good fit for the purpose and with a government agency and regular hours to count on. Surprisingly, I was able to flex my journalistic and communications muscles, too. And I got to work with some great folks. Speaking of which...
Here's a big thank you to Elizabeth, Mary, Art, Bill, Josefina, Adel, Jim, Gordon, William, Gamy, the crews in Mandated Costs and Pupil Accounting, and all the rest of you folks who were so kind.
I am leaving a ton of you out who deserve a mention by name, but hey... it's just an update post. On to the update.
I will be looking for new work in a more lucrative market. I will visit San Francisco and the Bay Area in the next month for interviews. Simultaneously, I will hunt for housing. In both areas, I have done some homework :)
I will also be working at San Diego Unified in a whole new capacity on a two-month contract. Yep, I am slated to be a professional expert fixing up the district's elementary school pages as they convert to a more readable and accessible format.
It carries higher pay than Editorial Assistant. Oddly, this will be my third raise this year, and will show a progression of skills and compensation as I seek out work. I am sure that this, in San Diego, is a fluke.
No matter what, when the position ends, I hope to help SDUSD when called on and I may bid on contracts as they come up. But the bottom line is that I will be working a lot of casual, freelance and contract work while I prepare for a Ph.D. program.
I'll keep you up to date as I move on with these plans, folks. Until then...
F.
I first pursued the job when Marcie's illness became so acute that I had to both increase my income and find more suitable benefits with no preexisting condition limitations.
It was a good fit for the purpose and with a government agency and regular hours to count on. Surprisingly, I was able to flex my journalistic and communications muscles, too. And I got to work with some great folks. Speaking of which...
Here's a big thank you to Elizabeth, Mary, Art, Bill, Josefina, Adel, Jim, Gordon, William, Gamy, the crews in Mandated Costs and Pupil Accounting, and all the rest of you folks who were so kind.
I am leaving a ton of you out who deserve a mention by name, but hey... it's just an update post. On to the update.
I will be looking for new work in a more lucrative market. I will visit San Francisco and the Bay Area in the next month for interviews. Simultaneously, I will hunt for housing. In both areas, I have done some homework :)
I will also be working at San Diego Unified in a whole new capacity on a two-month contract. Yep, I am slated to be a professional expert fixing up the district's elementary school pages as they convert to a more readable and accessible format.
It carries higher pay than Editorial Assistant. Oddly, this will be my third raise this year, and will show a progression of skills and compensation as I seek out work. I am sure that this, in San Diego, is a fluke.
No matter what, when the position ends, I hope to help SDUSD when called on and I may bid on contracts as they come up. But the bottom line is that I will be working a lot of casual, freelance and contract work while I prepare for a Ph.D. program.
I'll keep you up to date as I move on with these plans, folks. Until then...
F.